5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Always a metermaid never a meter
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs