My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
eggs benadryl
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
It do be feeling this way.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”