When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.