The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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Breaking news:
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah