FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Somebody call the cops.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
This forever.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me if I was a dog
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!