HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.