Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.