Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
marvel comics have peaked
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Well, that should do it
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing