Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.