Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.