The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Someone just threatened to call me later
The funk soul brother
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.