Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am