“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Tell the colonel to bring it
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I鈥檝e finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I鈥檓 44 & a total moron 馃檪
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn鈥檛 good enough to post on his social media.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I鈥檓 performing an autopsy.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*