Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
groan^2
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-