Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Happy Thanksgiving
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes