[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.