To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
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I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times