It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Buck naked
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*