Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
You Might Also Like
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
This did not end as expected.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes