As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.