If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”