Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat