Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’d use my best pan on you.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
that colleague who touches your screen
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: