Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
There are no pants in heaven.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?