High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”