If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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Wait for it
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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Me: Same.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday