Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.