When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
that colleague who touches your screen
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying