Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
You Might Also Like
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)