Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
selfie game
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving