If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”