I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
This is why I hate group projects
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber