You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
my first dose meeting my second
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order