Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week