The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Me My dog
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Happy thanksgiving
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.