me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking