A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.