I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
i love modern commerce
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]