Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Stop sending me this shit.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.