An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: