ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
no
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.