the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I love the National Park Service.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*