I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
This one’s “Alex”.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
This fish is cracking me up
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.