and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?