Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
my dog when i have a friend over
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.