Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dolls on drugs
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Meowchelangelo
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅