I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
wtf management?!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet