For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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Good morning y’all ☀️
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up