very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen