Facebook marketplace is a different world
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: